Email Funnies

[Laleldil]

Sometimes you need to laugh
Sometimes a friend feels blue
Sometimes they need a laugh
Sometimes I do too.

Directions: Copy and paste a portion and send to a friend. None of these are mine, but ones I have gotten in last couple of days.

Email Funnies

Laughter is not only an effective medicine for the mind, heeding their concealed wisdoms can keep you much happier in your other relationships. And perhaps a tad bit safer.

****

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find itdifficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....

Signed,
Ron

P.S.
Ron died suddenly on May 27th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his hindend, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her "Not Guilty", accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

*****

THIS IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE DREARY OLD BIRDS AND BEES.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up
a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked
into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my
hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
Nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"

*****

WORLD WAR III IS COMING

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Mr Bush and Mr Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says,"Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."


The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

*****

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Minnesota arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Minnesotans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

*****

Subject: TWO DWARFS


Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again. ONE, TWO, THREE..UUH!" All night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."


*****


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.



(Hardly seems worth it.)



If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.



(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.



(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.



(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)



(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.



(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.



("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.



(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.



(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.



(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.



(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.



(Hmmmmmm........)



Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.



(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump..



(OK, so that would be a good thing.....................)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.



(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.



(I know some people like that.)



Starfish have no brains.



(I know some people like that too.)



Polar bears are left-handed.



(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.


(What about that pig??)

*****

A Moral Dilemma Test

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is: to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.



God, I just love happy endings.