How do I handle this?

[Opus]

My girl and I have been together for a year now. When we first met she was a smoker and I hated it. She quit almost immediately and hasn't smoked ever since, or so I thought. It snowed last night and being a nice guy I went to scrape the snow off and warm up her car..well MY car that I let her drive..looking for the ice scraper I found a pack of cigarettes with about half the pack gone.

What do I do? How long has she been sneaking cigarettes? What ELSE has she been sneaking?? Am I making a bigger deal about this than I should? I couldn't even look at her this morning. I sat in my car and waited until she left for work to come back inside.

I know this is different from the usual mindlessness that I post about but I don't know who else to talk to about this situation, thanks ES.

[Faeodorus]

Keep calm and talk to her about it. Don't make assumptions. Not much else you can do. Only you will know what you need to do.

[Sunnie]

I agree with Faeo, don't make any assumptions and talk to her about it. It's not easy to stop smoking and stick with it, at least not until you are absolutely ready. Good luck, O.

*hugs*

[Iane_Blaidd]

I have to agree with Faeo as well. sit down and talk to her about it and dont jump to any conculstions.

being someone that use to smoke its not easy to quit and i been told i make it look easy. back in Jan 7 of us decided to stop smoking i was the only 1 to make it past the first 2 days. 1 of the others has since stopped somking but i heard she was not a pleasure to be around during the 2 month process /shrug.

if i had to guess she is embarassed and doesn't want you to think less of her.

[gorag]

You can't change people. You can encourage them to make changes they want to, but you can't force the change.

It's reasonable to explain you found the cigarettes and say you would prefer she be comfortable enough in the relationship to be able to tell you the truth about her smoking.

It's also reasonable to ask her not to smoke in your house/presence.

And then you need to decide if you are ok being with a smoker.(which is not to say she can't/won't quit eventually, but it's a tough addiction to end)

Gorag

[Pathius]

I think Gorag summed up my thoughts perfectly, and I'll add I was a Heavy smoker for a long long time, and tried to quit for "other people" a bunch of times and it never took until I was ready to do it for "myself" to put in perspective, experts have said on multiple occasions smoking ciggerettes is a harder habit to kick than doing heroine. I say cut her some slack and sit down talk to her and bring up those very good points Gorag said

[Burleybarley]

Send me the cigarettes.

[Ishtass]

I'll preface that I don't really know you or your relationship, so I apologize if I make any assumptions here. Relationships really get tested within the first few years.

It seems like you're upset about her being dishonest with you. One thing I've learned the hard way is that someone being dishonest usually stems from how they think/know you'll react to them being honest with you (which may even have been assumed from a previous relationship). You need to be the type of person that is accepting of imperfections and to be supportive of your partner through their imperfections. Don't assume that because she was hiding one thing that there's a ton of other stuff that's she's also hiding. Relationships require trust in that the other will do the right thing. If you don't trust your partner, there's a much deeper seeded issue than cigarettes. You need to prove to her that she can and should talk to you about these things, and that you won't judge her for it.

I was once in a relationship where I did not trust my partner. I didn't trust her because she was sometimes sneaky with me. She was sometimes sneaky/deceptive because I would totally make her feel like shit if she did something wrong. She was scared to be honest with me, which lead to my distrust, and eventually we split. At the time I didn't understand but hindsight is 20/20. I should have been the person she could go to, but it was my fault that I wasn't.

Like I said, I don't know if I'm even in the same ballpark as what your situation is, and I certainly don't mean any offense. This is just my personal experience and I hope some of it is helpful. Good luck.

[Lorai]

Smoking is a guilty pleasure that is very difficult to give up completely. Yet it sounds like she has been trying--for your sake. But if she is smoking occasionally, I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't smell it on her clothes/hair/breath afterward??

I smoked from age 16 - 30, when I quit (easy like Iane) I had 1/2 pack of cigarettes left, and I kept that 1/2 pack for years, but never touched em. Maybe that's her "last pack" too?

These days if I am around others who are drinking & smoking, or if I am troubled, I will smoke. Nicotine gives me a neat buzz, it soothes my soul and helps me think. But for most, Abstinance is easier than Moderation...

Definitely talk to her, and if she has not stopped completely, don't be so hard on her, because it really can be difficult, and she's probably living in a world of guilt and frustration today--if she knows you found them??

If you determine she has not quit completely, and you really like her a lot, take her down to a "Vape" shop and let them set her up with an electronic cigarette. My sister and her son stopped smoking "analog" cigs completely, now they just Vape.

[Opus]

Thanks for all the replys everyone, gonna update this.

I didn't say a word to her all that day and all morning. Just before she left for work today she asked me if I was going to talk to her. So I did. Long story short she was upset that we "never talk" and that she hates her job. I told her I'm sorry and the only reason I was mad was because she was sneaking around smoking behind my back when I have never kept anything from her, ever. That's not how I am. Lying to me is so disrespectful and wrong.

We're all good now she was just upset that we don't talk and she doesn't feel like I appreciate everything she does (which I do, and have expressed, and she admitted to during the conversation).

As a side note I'd like to say that I never asked her to quit. A few days after meeting me she told ME she was going to quit. This was over a year ago and I never once forced her to do anything

[Zargut]

Communication is key to a healthy relationship. Sometimes as a guy we tend to not talk or share feelings and that builds distance and distrust in a female. Make it a point to talk to her at least once a day, how is her day going, how is she feeling, what is bothering her, what is she planning, how is her family, all that smushy stuff chicks need. Dont assume she is ok, ask and find out!

To quit smoking is hard, but if she really wants to quit then it is obtainable. She may need support, counseling, patch, gum, hypnotism or what worked for me was tootsie pops. Whenever I wanted a ciggy I used a tootsie pop instead. I smoked out of boredom and stress mostly, so eliminating or reducing those factors can help a lot as well. Talk to her about it if she is game, and make sure to express your personal dislike for it, tell her why, her health, her beauty. Lots of things.

Smoker vs non-smoker comparison photos of twins:

http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/i ... otos+twins

What they don't tell you about smoking is that it ruins your looks, your skin, your teeth and gums, as well as your throat and lungs. Not everyone will get lung cancer right away, but everyone will affect the way they look and that affects how other people see and treat you. Everyone knows smoking is "bad" for you but until I quit I didn't realize just how all encompassing its detriments are. It even ruins your fingernails. I had a big black stripe in my thumbnail and after I quit smoking it simply went away. My teeth got white again, I stopped hacking in the shower, my clothes smelled better, my house was cleaner, the list goes on and on.

Don't let her switch to E-cigs, those are just as bad as smoking and maybe worse in some ways.

Also what helped me was to say "I don't want a cigarette, why would I want a cigarette, I DON'T SMOKE. Why would I buy them... I DON'T SMOKE. Why would I be craving a ciggy, I DON'T SMOKE.

Instead of "I'm trying to quit", or "I want to quit", or "I'm going to quit", or "I am quitting", say I DON'T SMOKE. Eventually by brain stopped trying to bullshit me and got the message I DON'T SMOKE!

Oh and btw, I smoked for almost 30 years.....

[Pathius]

Heh, for me to quit I just did the math, by me quitting, it bought me a car!

[Ishtass]

Don't let her switch to E-cigs, those are just as bad as smoking and maybe worse in some ways.

Curious, how so?

[bubbakat]

Since e cigs contain nicotine they are as bad on the vascular system so still can get heart disease and strokes.
Since they not been around that long, it is unknown what the effect on the lungs will be

[Pathius]

aren't e cigs water vapor? if so wouldn't that lead to pneumonia