Hum ... last one got no chuckles ...

[Laleldil]

Onions and Christmas trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's

breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice

but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are

there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his

twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch,

flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."


*****

Subject: Interesting tidbits

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the

bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Dark chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized

dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath,

causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original

print had to be set in individual letters, the "upper case" letters were stored in the case on top of

the case that stored the smaller, "lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time . (hence,

multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted

white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the

largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought

this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't

beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28 The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time,

the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has

in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public

Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space

suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind

bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the

ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to

jail"

******

On T-Shirts:

His: I am not a gynocologist, but I'll take a look.

Hers: We could mate (over picture of black widow spier) but then I would have to kill you!

His: Every day I live with fear but occasionally I leave her and go drag racing.

Hers: Admit it: you'd go to jail for this.

His: I like to snatch kisses and vice versa.

Hers: Size does matter!

His: (Worn by a very large man) I beat anorexia.

Hers: Goal of a Bitch: To Dominate, Control, and Destroy a Man's Finances, Mental Health, Self

Esteem, and any Hope for Happiness.

His: 50,000 battered women and I still eating mine plain?!

Hers: I see that you have already met the twins.

Hers: Not everything is flat in Florida.

His: Religions of the World:
TAOISM - Shit Happens.
Hare Karishna - Shit Happens Rama Rama Ding Ding.
Hinduism - This Shit Happened Before.
Islam - If Shit Happens, Take a Hostage.
Zen - What is the Sound of Shit Happening?
Buddhism - When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit?
Confucianism - Confucias Says, "Shit Happens."
7th Day Adventist - Shit Happens on Saturdays.
Protestantism - Shit Wont Happen if I Work Harder.
Catholicism - If Shit Happens, I Deserve It.
Jehova Witnessism - Knock Knock "Shit Happens".
Unitarianism - What is This Shit?
Mormonism - Shit Happens Again & Again & Again ...
Judaism - Why Does This Shit Always Happen To Me?
Rastafarianism - Let's Smoke This Shit.
(Big Boys only wear this!)

Hers: Don't call me a cowgirl until you've seen me ride.

Hers: Loved by some, Wanted by many.

Hers: Guilty (well this was not a T-Shirt but a tube top, NICE!)

Hers: (Bunny in a strait jacket) Cute but Psycho. Thing evens out.

Hers: Its only kinky the first time. (I wanna try)

Hers: Guys make nice pets.

Hers: (Hum, you'd need to see this one ... oh well)

Hers: SEX IS LIKE SNOW you never know how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

******

never ... never ... Never ... NEVER ever fart in a wet suit.

***** As you may have experienced, alot of email funnies seem to have the masculin side of wit. This

last one is most obviously a femine side:

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE... OLDER:
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions -- shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2 You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend:
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any

loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and

start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him, ...at least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


But Most Of All, Remember !
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra:
Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart.

*****

(Last, one I PROMISE)

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

You didn't even see it coming did you?

[GINON]

Good ones Lale =)

G

[EggbornHatchedrotten]

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time . (hence,

multi-tasking was invented.)

I think it was invented by the first Mommy.

[calarea]

"34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind

bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the

ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to

jail"



Haha
Calarea