The truth about the North Korean weapons tests.

[Taunto]

For those that have heard about the North Korean (possible) underground nuclear tests, here's something I found on another board that made me laugh.

PYON YANG, NORTH KOREA- Crack open the champaign and light the pyrotechnics because something truly wonderful has transpired. Late Sunday evening on the other side of the world, North Korean engineers conducted their first successful test of a thermonuclear device. Aides reportedly woke the President as soon as geologists triangulated a seismic disturbance deep beneath the coastal city of Gifu. According to high level West Wing sources, Bush was thrilled to hear the news and the subsequent celebrations lasted well into the morning hours.

First thing Monday morning, the President's staff was busy contacting British Prime Minister Tony blair and Russian President Vladimir Putin to arrange an emergency meeting of the so-called Nuclear Club. Within hours, the leaders were joined by France, India and Pakistan in the group's Chapter Room in the disused attic of the United Nations, and after the secret handshakes and ritual was out of the way, the men got down to the main item of new business: how to initiate their first new member in many years.

"That's easy," said Bush brandishing an over-sized wooden paddle decorated with a burned-in mushroom cloud. "Begin hazing immediately."

From the awkward reaction, it was fairly clear that the rest of the group was uncomfortable with the notion of issuing Nuggies and Purple Nurples to the reclusive North Korean dictator. Blair, an alumnus of the English boarding school system and no stranger to the harsh physical punishments inflicted on "newbies," voiced objection to the American's enthusiasm for such outmoded forms of induction and pleaded for better, less brutal, ideas for how best to bring Kim Jung Il into the nuclear fold.

"I swear I won't lay a hand on him," insisted Bush. "I'm just talking about psychological stuff. Initiate a blockade. Post a butt-load of troops on the NK border. Threaten to recruit arch-rival Japan into the club. That sort of crap. It'll drive him nuts."

Dubious but too jet-lagged to come up with anything else, the group agreed to the plan with a show of hands. After some consideration, Bush was allowed to introduce an amendment requiring members to call Jung Il by the name "Fresh Meat" for his first year the Club.

To seal the agreement, Blair drank a flagon of raw eggs and stale beer. "Nuke 'til you Puke!" they chanted. "Nuke 'til you Puke!"

Either physical or psychological, the immediate future will no doubt be quite arduous for North Korea's Kim Jung Il. In the Nuclear Club, there is no such thing as automatic respect. A new member must earn it.

"We'll play bad cop for a while, make him feel isolated," said Bush. "Then when Hell Week is over, we'll all show up in Pyon Yang and have a bash like we haven't seen since the 60's."

"Hello?" interjected Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf. "We joined just a few years ago. I recall no such party. We are fully-fledged members of this club, too. You can read all about my feelings of rejection and disenfranchisement in my new book In The Line of Fire, available now in hardback."

Bush explained that when Pakistan joined in 1998, Bill Clinton was in charge of that sort of thing. Unfortunately, the former President was too distracted by domestic issues at the time to pay proper attention to his responsibilities as Social Chairman.

Without wasting a moment, the affable Texan ordered several dozen kegs to begin the pledge education process. Not surprisingly, Putin arrived with his own stash, an especially potent vodka of his own devising. The bottles even had his face on the labels and everything. A voice vote was then taken and a unanimous agreement was reached: having one's own homebrew vodka brand is, indeed, very impressive.

"Nuke 'til you Puke!"